Look, if you steal a package- I hope with all of my heart that box is full of poop.

Weird guys shouldn't make risky jokes, and absolutely nobody, no not even you, should mix in lower case letters when you're using all caps BEcAUSE IT's wEIRD

So people still live in British Columbia, huh?

If you let your guard down to a kid in a video game you're fixing to get fucked.

Hot dogs, the white meat of grilled food, are the most relatable food of all time.

As a guy who, in some sense, used to get paid to put dicks in people's lattes, I appreciate how difficult it is to pass up an opportunity like this.

Um? In a word: Fuckno.

The best blogs are built off a recurring theme of irrepressible hatred. Meet Roy Moore.

Look I'm not saying that any dog "deserves" to be eaten. I'm just saying I think there’s a little bit of a difference between eating a dog you find living in a trash pile, and eating Air Bud.

Watch a delusional man talk himself into believing a team that's not good is maybe good.

These guys are dead men swimming. The only thing more unforgivably cocky than dragging a shark to death through the ocean, would be to then ever return to the ocean.

You put someone in a corner on a plane, they're going to try and bring it down. That's a tale as old as time.

Hey you know what: if reading a hundred books a night is your thing, then do the fuck out of it.

I can't believe that Donald Trump, king of making absurd statements and making absurd goals, set the lowest goals of all time. What happened to ruling the galaxy? What happened to having the greatest space kingdom of all time that everybody talks about and can't stop talking about?

This is how it works in the wild, and the squirrel's BMI and meat sweats don't have a damn thing to do with it.

It's incredible to think that we had an illusion that people were going to wear eclipse glasses to look directly into the sun.

If you ask the Lopresto family, every single one of these attackers deserves to die.

Do people who love meth also love wasting meth? Because purely from a financial standpoint this is a big waste of meth.

I told you, and I'll keep telling you. Colin Kaepernick needs a job for 1. justice and 2. so that quarterbacks stop being cursed.