Really Seems Unnecessary To Call This Squirrel Thief "Fat"
MAPLEWOOD, N.J. (CBSNewYork/AP) — An obese squirrel was caught on video stealing gourmet chocolate and lip balm that a New Jersey family leaves outside as a holiday treat for delivery people. Michele Boudreaux of Maplewood said on her blog she provides candy, snacks, tissues, hand warmers and other goodies on her doorstep every year. She’s never had any issues before, but this year, her basket was raided within hours of being set outside her home.
The thief seemed to be targeting the priciest stuff, including about 25 squares of Ghirardelli chocolate, she said.
“I mean, this squirrel is so obese — a jolly ol’ chap — he must be prepping for a decade of winters,” Boudreaux wrote.
Her husband tried to chase the squirrel to see where it was hoarding all the treats, but it made a clean getaway.
Full story here.
Look, I’ve got to start this by showing Michele Boudreaux a little respect. While I may disagree with some of the views expressed by Mrs. Boudreaux, I’ve got nothing but respect for the blog life, and the tendency to say absurd things that comes with it. Michele, blog on, blog happy, blog long. That being said, is it really necessary to call this squirrel obese? Because that seems like you’re taking things a little too far. Let’s keep this above the belt, Michele, you jerk. If you stole a bunch of shit from me I wouldn’t call you obese, sure I’d say you were fucking deviant for stealing from me but I’d keep your appearance out of it.
I will say, I’m not critiquing the original actions of Michele Boudreaux in any way. This is a super nice move for the holidays. I can imagine it’s a terrific feeling to walk by the Boudreaux household and see an arrangement of nice treats left out in good will. But this is what happens when you leave food outside. Why can’t that squirrel have any? You’ve left your goods in his world. In fact, Mr. Squirrel would be an idiot to not steal from your stock, because he’s got a fucking winter to worry about.
This is how it works in the wild, Michele, and the squirrel’s BMI doesn’t have a damn thing to do with it. Also, maybe think twice before calling the squirrel obese and then openly admitting your husband couldn’t catch it! You couldn’t catch a 70lb squirrel dragging its hind legs behind it in a meat sweat? What a fucking loser!
She also put a bowl of treats out for the squirrel Thursday, full of walnuts, popcorn and pumpkin seeds. The rotund rodent showed his pickiness yet again.
“He threw all the seeds out on the porch and ate all the other stuff,” she said.
Well, yeah Michelle, of course he threw out the nuts. You gave him nuts. Do you know how disrespectful that is? You took a palette that was refined by Ghirardelli chocolate, and tried to dumb it down with the food of peasants, with fucking peanuts. Who the fuck do you think you are? You and this squirrel have very different ideas of where he fits in society. Frankly, it seems like his ideas are winning out.
