I mean, all's fair in love and war; and drunk hungry people are demons.

I can't believe that nobody's revolted. You take a movie theater away from me and I'm looking to swap governments.

I'll call this kid a nice guy! I'll say he's got heroic potential! But a hero? No fucking way.

Nothing gets me going faster than a citizen's arrest, and I don't know.

Sometimes things get in your way. Maybe the person you hit it off with has a significant other, or maybe they're your mom.

We're not looking for more ways to like the 1% ok?

Sometimes you try to please people and they hate you anyway: "The Chipotle Queso Story"

The story within a story that nobody's looking at is that bear mace saved this guy's fucking marriage.

Here's a crazy thing to have to write: if you say a baby is dead, that baby better be fuckin' dead.

This is why you gotta take your kids to normal haircuts, folks, because if you don't they turn into me.

Ratting on an Animal House themed party is maybe the meanest thing you can do to a college dude.

Very important to have a brand; also very important that that brand isn't houses blowing up at random.

The writing of this blog is a solo enterprise but fuck I need to hire this kid.

Portrait of a young blogger self-destructing because of a sport he doesn't know.

I send all of my packages to the wrong address anyway, so this would never happen to me; but still, so mean.EDITOR'S NOTE: of course this is happening in Philadelphia. The meanest city in the world.

Let's run through a scenario where this could work.EDITOR UPDATE: THIS IS OBVIOUSLY A PLOY BY TSA TO SHOW US THAT THEY DO ANYTHING AT ALL.

On the record: if you are using this level of coordination to rob a pickup truck and a couple credit cards then you are wasting your talent.

Happens the same time every year. More or less have the same people buying every year. Stock doesn't change. Style doesn't change. Seems like a pretty good set up!

Sucks if you're a rich, shitty person, and rules if you're everybody else!

The intimacy of a basketball court combined with the lack of helmets covering players' and coaches' shocked faces, and referee-directed death threats make NBA ejections something special.