Watch a delusional man talk himself into believing a team that's not good is maybe good.

These guys are dead men swimming. The only thing more unforgivably cocky than dragging a shark to death through the ocean, would be to then ever return to the ocean.

You put someone in a corner on a plane, they're going to try and bring it down. That's a tale as old as time.

Hey you know what: if reading a hundred books a night is your thing, then do the fuck out of it.

I can't believe that Donald Trump, king of making absurd statements and making absurd goals, set the lowest goals of all time. What happened to ruling the galaxy? What happened to having the greatest space kingdom of all time that everybody talks about and can't stop talking about?

This is how it works in the wild, and the squirrel's BMI and meat sweats don't have a damn thing to do with it.

It's incredible to think that we had an illusion that people were going to wear eclipse glasses to look directly into the sun.

If you ask the Lopresto family, every single one of these attackers deserves to die.

Do people who love meth also love wasting meth? Because purely from a financial standpoint this is a big waste of meth.

I told you, and I'll keep telling you. Colin Kaepernick needs a job for 1. justice and 2. so that quarterbacks stop being cursed.

I mean, all's fair in love and war; and drunk hungry people are demons.

I can't believe that nobody's revolted. You take a movie theater away from me and I'm looking to swap governments.

I'll call this kid a nice guy! I'll say he's got heroic potential! But a hero? No fucking way.

Nothing gets me going faster than a citizen's arrest, and I don't know.

Sometimes things get in your way. Maybe the person you hit it off with has a significant other, or maybe they're your mom.

We're not looking for more ways to like the 1% ok?

Sometimes you try to please people and they hate you anyway: "The Chipotle Queso Story"

The story within a story that nobody's looking at is that bear mace saved this guy's fucking marriage.

Here's a crazy thing to have to write: if you say a baby is dead, that baby better be fuckin' dead.

This is why you gotta take your kids to normal haircuts, folks, because if you don't they turn into me.