Any time you have an old nerdy white guy call another nerdy white guy a "pussy", it's time to whip out the popcorn.

Here I was thinking maybe we had some good eggs out there, people who could do their jobs without abusing their position or status, but nope we got us a bunch of creepy dudes!

If choose to get a cat over a dog, I'm not saying you deserve to die; I'm just saying that there's a 33% chance you die sooner than me.

It's Friday and I give up; if you want to harken back to the days where planes crashed because their batteries died, or just because that's what airplanes did back then, be my guest.

Impressive how not long that took.

Nothing worse than a plain penis.

Jasper County, time to step up and show us some of that classic Iowan vigilante justice.

In this blog, I had to choose between making fun of the girl with the service dog for panic attacks or the the girl with allergies and the Crohns disease. I choose to make fun of the allergies and the Crohns disease, because I don't know what that is. I'm a monster.

Thanks Stephen, you're going to make all of our Saturday pick-up games even more ridiculous than they already are.

I like, everybody else, thought background actors grew on trees; and I, like everybody else, was wrong. They don't.

I'm describing this as a showdown because my subconscious wants them to be enemies, but OBVIOUSLY they're going to be best friends. We're all going to die.

Throw me in a pool with the most gentle of sharks, and I'll drown myself before that thing even smells me.

How much is 18 million in parking tickets? One week's worth?

LA's clearly the only place this would work; these things would cost 10,000 bucks per ride in New York, and Philly would just dismantle them and throw the scraps at tourists' children.

If the guy running for office is the same guy trying to rub tummies at the mall, you should speak up.

Well guaranteed this is the last Good Samaritan deed Joni Bontrager does ever. Thanks for ruining it for us, guys, you probably just carjacked the would-be next Ghandi, who will now be the next Ted Bundy.

It's cool, it's not like you have any amazing books, existing movie adaptations, or my insane standards to live up to. Bar's as low as can be.

This story would have been all the convincing I needed to wear a condom if I ever had sex in high school.

Cue a million "My college parties were much sicker than yours" comments. Just kidding, nobody comments on these blogs and my life is meaningless.