If you're going to write a mean letter, I guess you've got to go all in.

People act like New Years is super nice every other year. It's not! It's always too cold!

Margaret Thatcher, yeah I'm talking to you. You think you're too good to share a plane with a panda bear?

You know my stance on air travel: skip it.

A classic case of snatching victory from the jaws of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory.

I mean they're fun and everything, but there aren't THAT many uses for a drone. This is one of them. 

9-year-olds with pellet guns are the new guard dog.

Hey, here's a crazy idea: let's not give Egypt any excuse to put us in prison, yeah?

You know you've done something wrong when your own family won't pay your bail!

lol the Browns suck so bad, people don't even want to try to fix them.

At this point I just assume that every hoverboard explodes.

I was an ungodly lucky traveler's streak and I knew that bubble was going to pop.

This is me realizing I have problem.

I dare you to watch me take this happy story and find a way to dismantle and criticize it before your eyes. I fucking dare you.

I don't want to exaggerate in this blog, but I basically pulled the trigger.

Dabbing and marijuana aka mary jane aka pot aka sweet magic aka juicy j aka giraffe's karma aka mamba juice aka cheeseball wizardry aka the devil's lettuce, welcome to 2017!

As the unofficial #1 writer on holiday crimes, this is, in a sense, all my fault. 

Nightmare fuel. This is nightmare fuel.

We live in a world where someone legitimately got arrested for trying to steal a toy baby to make a political statement.