Never start a land war in Asia, and never bite a dog; they're by far the best biters.

Gave up a lot of my pride and decency when I entered blog life, and consequently lost whatever I had left on Sunday morning.

You're wedding should match your life philosophy in some way. Which is why it makes sense that Kim and Ryan had base jumpers throwing thousands of flower petals while leaping off cliffs, and my wedding will feature my friends, high as fuck, lying on our couch, eating chips off our chests, quoting Mall Rats and Swingers.

Rats are evolving and leaping into strollers and I'd still rather live here than snake capital Bangkok.

I'll tell you this: the guy's weird for sure, but you can't fault his work ethic.

Can't ask your students if they vape, bro.

Don't you fucking dare pretend like you wouldn't do the exact same thing.

Don't let anything stand in the way of your dreams, not even six city blocks of flammable housing.

This story has a different outcome if it doesn't take place in Florida. You know it. I know it. These doctors know it.

This seems like something you'd put a kid in, but a dog? That's too much.

You can be a rich douchebag. And you can be a rich douchebag with a beautiful wife. But you can't be a rich douchebag with a hot wife who makes weird hand motions.

I guess, in our own way, we've all retweeted really racist videos!

Show me a 1930's subway car with a ceiling fan and I'll kill myself in front of you.

Someone needs to tell Daniel Day Lewis that acting is just pretending.

The blog where I write "That's a lot of metal!" over and over again.

You may as well remove Bangkok from every map, because in my terrified, bloodshot eyes it's as good as gone.

Impressively terrible reflexes from everybody in The Hague. I watched the video and all I saw I were old dudes, so I guess that makes sense. Old dudes: great sense of justice, very slow reflexes.

The one thing I learned from The Departed is getting caught wearing a wire is the quickest way to get a bullet in the head.

This week of botched sting operations is a reminder that you don't choose the spy life, the spy life chooses you. And the spy life often chooses wrong.