Jasper County, time to step up and show us some of that classic Iowan vigilante justice.

In this blog, I had to choose between making fun of the girl with the service dog for panic attacks or the the girl with allergies and the Crohns disease. I choose to make fun of the allergies and the Crohns disease, because I don't know what that is. I'm a monster.

Thanks Stephen, you're going to make all of our Saturday pick-up games even more ridiculous than they already are.

I like, everybody else, thought background actors grew on trees; and I, like everybody else, was wrong. They don't.

I'm describing this as a showdown because my subconscious wants them to be enemies, but OBVIOUSLY they're going to be best friends. We're all going to die.

Throw me in a pool with the most gentle of sharks, and I'll drown myself before that thing even smells me.

How much is 18 million in parking tickets? One week's worth?

LA's clearly the only place this would work; these things would cost 10,000 bucks per ride in New York, and Philly would just dismantle them and throw the scraps at tourists' children.

If the guy running for office is the same guy trying to rub tummies at the mall, you should speak up.

Well guaranteed this is the last Good Samaritan deed Joni Bontrager does ever. Thanks for ruining it for us, guys, you probably just carjacked the would-be next Ghandi, who will now be the next Ted Bundy.

It's cool, it's not like you have any amazing books, existing movie adaptations, or my insane standards to live up to. Bar's as low as can be.

This story would have been all the convincing I needed to wear a condom if I ever had sex in high school.

Cue a million "My college parties were much sicker than yours" comments. Just kidding, nobody comments on these blogs and my life is meaningless.

Honestly, your best bet to recover an onside kick in Madden is to find a blind and deaf cat and let it handle the sticks for the play.

If a bear makes it inside your home, you have to realize that 1. you might get eaten if you don't leave, and 2. you've been holding bears to a double standard.

There are times where you just have to step up and say something, and this is one of those times. So all you, psychopath cereal eaters, if you really do exist, read here.

There's a thin line between being the idiot who doesn't know when to stay down, and being the idiot who kills everybody.

Never have my firm belief in karma, curses, and deep fear of the open ocean come together in such harmony.