Never have my firm belief in karma, curses, and deep fear of the open ocean come together in such harmony.

If you have friends like Jim Ziegler and Jerry Moore who will step up and speak to your defense, the safe bet would be to never do anything bad at all.

I learned how many cigarettes are in a pack to write this article!

Isn't the bright side of babies that they can't get their feelings hurt?

You couldn't pay me enough money to dismiss Obama from a court room, I would quit on the spot.

Well eating Nutella with a dusty spoon was my #1 most anticipated activity for the apocalypse bunker, so it's time to have a tough conversation with myself.

With the number of quarterback injuries in the league, Martellus Bennett could be the first player to play for every team.

Questioning your quarterback's toughness and cutting a veteran guy when decides to have season-ending surgery can't possibly back fire, can it?

It's a nice idea, but as long as there's one idiot out there with their own sense of speed limit and inflated self-confidence, self-driving cars will never work.

Sia's butt just pwned the creepy paparazzi!

The thinking behind spending 8.5 million dollars on an airline bed could be the reason I don't have 8.5 million dollars.

China, just trust us. Leave this one be.

As someone who's only the seen the first season, I lay out a PERFECT outline for the future of the show.

The one where I project some of my unhappiness with the Bulls onto one player, and one blog. You asked for this, but you surely don't deserve it.

There are already too many ways to die while surfing, so I'm officially issuing a complaint.

Years from now, we'll look back and realize that the warning signs for the human genocide at the hands of the robots all started with them correcting our spelling with zero consistency.

Sounds like Giannis won't be handing out copies of "The Godfather" to his teammates any time soon.

Writing has been a nice way for me to reflect on how unbelievable it is that I have not been hit by a car.

I even tried writing this serious blog without using the word "fuck" but that seemed too far off brand.

I just assumed that it was one of those things that if you did it and got hit by a car that you couldn’t press charges, or if you died that your family wasn’t allowed to start a blood feud with the driver’s family.